What I learned during first semester of the second year of medical school

Hi!

So this post is all about what I learned during first semester of second year, which greatly encompassed mental health, thinking positively, and being focused on my GOALS!! I consider myself to be a positive person, but it was ground-breaking for me to learn that I have self-negative tendencies.

Ever since I was 13, I dreamed of being a surgeon. But along the way in med school, after being beat down the most I have ever felt in my life during first year, my doe-eyed dreaming heart began to lose its light. By the end of first year, I was insecure, scared, and unsure about my academic capability. I didn't feel so strong or successful like I felt a surgeon needed to be. I still passed all of my classes, and did well the entire year, but knowing that there were x amount of people smarter than me, I began to feel like maybe I'm not smart enough to be a surgeon. If I'm not in the top 2% of my class, it must mean I can't be a surgeon, let alone a great one like I dreamed of being.

Consequently, I was terrified of starting second year. I cried the day before second year started as I remembered how painful my first year of medical school was. I also knew this year would be even more stressful and painful, bc that's what all the second year students said. I cried as I remembered how all the second year medical students always looked depressed and sad, trudging along with their heads down, the lights gone from their eyes, always complaining at how hard everything about second year was. Thankfully my sister was with me for the first few days of the start of my second year. I couldn't have done it without her there comforting me, praying with me, and watching Ice Princess together bc duh, what better way to forget the fact that you're starting the worst year of your life? (I remember being a child watching this movie. It's about a girl who throws away a full-ride Harvard scholarship to be a figure skater. Loll, the message was to go after your dreams no matter what. Inspirational right?)

Anyway, so second year starts, and from the get-go, I think I cried every weekend for the first 5 weeks. I was completely stressed. I had no idea what I was doing in terms of my studying, I felt behind always, and I had to learn more information than ever before. And I was definitely feeling the medical school mental battle going on. You see, medical school is hard content-wise, and academic-wise, but it is also just as challenging because of the mental stamina and training that you are forced to go through to keep yourself successful and happy. It's hard to be content and happy with yourself in med school bc there are so many people to compare yourself to: the smarter kid in class who answers all the questions, your friends from college who get to travel every other weekend and workout every night because they work a 9-5, your other med roommates, that med student who is just beautiful and seems to have a perfect life and always be put together. 

And the other issue is that in med school you have to really learn who you are and what works for you study-wise! They say that one of the most important qualities for medical students to have, is to be adaptable, because every exam is different. The content is different, the professors are different, therefore there are different study requirements. And if you're someone like me who didn't have one-size-fits-all study method, I had to constantly be evaluating my study regimen, making sure it was efficient enough, and was helping me learn as quickly as possible. It's one thing to get 200 pages of jam-packed Robbins Pathology text to read for 5 weeks. It's a completely other thing to be able to read that, memorize it, be able to apply it and be an expert in it, on top of learning everything about immunology in 2 weeks, and being tested on parasites, and general pharmacology principles and 70 drug names, side effects, mechanisms, and contraindications within 5 weeks (Are you overwhelmed? Me too, and actually typing this out really makes me feel proud of myself for being able to accomplish all of that!!!!!! Shout out to all of you awesome med students doing your best and accomplishing this!!!).

And of course, in the back of every second year medical student's head, is the fear about the dreaded Step1 exam. The first exam (8 hrs long) in a series of board exams that we take to be US licensed physicians, and basically dictates what residencies we're competitive for. And you only get one shot. So you can't screw up. And if you're a student like me that wants to do surgery, you better secure yourself an amazing score to have a shot at being a surgeon.

So for the first 2 months of my second year, I was stumbling along trying to learn the magnitude of this information. I barely felt I had time to eat, so I started eating meal replacement shakes 1x or sometimes 2x a day. I had no time to look very nice, my hair was always up, and I wore the same leggings (pants don't exist anymore, I literally only wear leggings now since I study all day right now. I'll wear pants if I have to, like when I see patients or hang out with friends a few times a month in the city).

And for the first exam, I actually did just fine and passed. I mean that's all that matters right?

For me, no, that's not all that mattered. I don't want to just pass, I want to BE THE BEEEEESSST (imagine Jack Black's Nacho Libre voice there, lol). I am supremely, extremely competitive. I want to be in the spotlight, the hot-shot, and be the best at what I do. So I decided to go talk to a trusted mentor, Dr. Richardson (fake name). I said, " I look at these people (my fellow classmates) around me, and I'm just like them. I know I can do better, I know I can be better, but what am I missing?"

And she gave me some great advice which I tried for my second exam.

But then, I did just the same as I had done before. Barely passing.

So I went back to Dr. Richardson and I said "Hey, I tried what you told me, but I still got the same score."

And we talked about more strategies, and then she asked me what I wanted to be. I said, "A surgeon, but I'm not sure if I'm good enough to be able to do that." And then my eyes embarrassingly started to water, and I wiped away a tear. My talk w her that day ended up being a psychology session, lol. She asked about what kinds of thoughts I have towards myself on a daily basis. "Oh you know, the normal: I'm dumb, I'm not smart, I'm not good enough, That person will be way better than me because of x, y, z, I suck, Why do I think I can do this?, I can't do this, I will never be smart enough, I will never get there, etc." I rattled this sad, pitiful list to her, and she almost started to cry. I was confused. Isn't this what normal med students think about? And she said, "Ariel, you seem like a person who is so kind and gracious to others, why are not kind to yourself? Every student, should believe they can be whatever they want to be. You can be whatever you want to be, Ariel."

Then Dr. Richardson started talking to me about the importance of having a clear, focused mind. She told me about how when you're driving a car, you're not looking from side to side, comparing your car to others (at least not often), you're not looking backwards focused on the past and dwelling on past driving mistakes. Of course not! You're looking straight ahead, focused on getting to where you need to go! And that is what a healthy mind in medical school looks like. Not focused on mistakes, or comparisons, but learning from mistakes and continuing to move forward. Having a healthy mind in med school means constantly telling/reminding myself "I'm doing the best I can", and actually believing it. It means putting my negative thoughts in a box on a shelf, and training myself to not go near it or open it.

In that moment, Dr. Richardson completely changed my mind. I had never known that these negative thoughts were so destructive. I never knew that there was a reality where people lived and did not say these things to themselves, especially for medical students, because we are completely critical of ourselves!

I had a week before my next exam so she challenged me to remind myself that "I'm doing the best I can", and to put my negative thoughts on a shelf, to see how it went.

I walked out of her office with a new freedom!!!! I felt lighter, I felt like all things were possible again! I felt in control! My thoughts didn't control me, I had the power to control them!

And guess what?! For two whole sets of exams, my scores when waaaaay up. And I completely believe that it is related and attributed to the removal of nonproductive thinking. Because without those destructive thoughts taking up precious study memorizing space, my mind was freer than ever to absorb cardiac pathology and drugs and infectious disease bugs. I wasn't wasting time wondering why I suck, but instead was focused on simply learning what I needed to learn. Literally, guys!!! It was AMAZING!!! I really, really didn't know that it was in me to be free from my negative thinking!!!!

Of course it was still tempting to be negative towards myself. Of course I still struggle with negative thoughts on a daily basis and have to fight them. Of course I still cry, and don't feel confident some days, and am sometimes stressed out, and complain but literally, I can definitely say that the latter half of my 1st semester has been exponentially better than the first. I am now learning and deciding to be intentional about my thinking, to catch my negative thoughts as they start to spring up, and combat them with the phrase "I'm doing the best I can".  I am exponentially happier, less stressed, and focused on being my best. I have never experienced such freedom and contentment than I feel now. And guess what?! I'm so stoked about being a surgeon!! I still wear my leggings and sweaters and hair up, but I eat better than I did before (bc I realized I'm also worth it, and can still take time to make relatively good food...lol, so instead of meal replacement shakes, I eat smoothies. Blenders are great. XD), AND I do my best to make sure to exercise, bc that helps my mind be even stronger and better.

So please, friends, if you are reading this. Practice this little trick! Put your negativity on a shelf (you can come back to it when you want to), and try it for a week. Tell yourself, "I'm doing the best I can", and see how much more free your mind can be!!!! The world is our oyster!!! We can do SO MUCH and achieve our absolute wildest dreams! I believe it!!!

Stay tuned for more posts about gratitude, destressing strategies, how medicine chose me and more!

Love, Ariel